I have stuff I need to do and planning for my future and crap but I literally don’t want to do anything. Like even fun stuff just doesn’t sound appealing. Usually spending time outside helps when I’m in a funk but it was so dry for most of the summer and still is now that the creeks are literally drying up and everything in them is dying. I can literally walk on the creek bed in places Or along the entire thing.

So these isolated pools have been forming as the streams dry up. A pretty big puddle that was there on Saturday afternoon was completely gone by the time I went after my first class this morning. Just a pile of fish in the mud. But then I noticed two of them move, so I found a styrofoam cup and ran to get some water from further down the stream and put them in it. And as I nudged the other fish in the mud around with a stick more of them started twitching. I don’t know how they possibly survived like that for as long as they had to have been without water, but a good handful of them were swimming around just fine by the time I got them to where I transferred them (there’s a main creek that still has water in it that the smaller ones connect to not far from where I got them). Most were too far gone by the time I got to them, but I honestly didn’t expect any of them to make it. Seven or so swam off just fine. 

And like, it’s literally maybe half a mile from the spot I found them and it’s the same waterway, so it isn’t like I introduced a new species or anything, but part of me still felt like that was wrong for some reason. Like I was breaking the rules or being a bad biologist or some crap like that. But had I not done anything they would have died, and it’s not like someone else was going to. So knowing I’d just left them to suffocate to death (which apparently takes a lot longer than I would’ve thought for small fish) would’ve just killed me internally.

Also lately I’ve been feeling guilty about essentially everything for no good reason. Like saying things a bit harsher than intended and feeling like a bitch immediately afterward. And just feeling like I give my friends so much crap and they’re still so kind to me and I feel like I almost don’t deserve that. Which is bullcrap, and I know that, but it doesn’t keep me from feeling that way.

I just have other things I need to be focused on that isn’t feeling bad about everything and I’m so over it.