Why is it called a Barreleye? Because it has barrels for eyes, of course! Actually, that’s just half the story…
Each eye is divided into two distinct parts. The larger, barrel section faces upward and is great for discerning the silhouettes of tiny, tasty copepods in the gloom above.
Next to those is the diverticular eye. These face downward and capture light using mirrors instead of lenses. This is particularly useful for gathering light, allowing the Spookfish to spot bioluminescent predators lurking below.
It doesn’t matter how flabby their muscles or gelatinous their flesh, no-ones sneaking up on the Brownsnout Spookfish!
I love them so much because they’re about as sharp as a baseball and their anatomy is ridiculous to the point of them literally being classified as plankton for years because they just sort of get blown around by the ocean and look confused, but because they lay more eggs than ANY OTHER VERTEBRATE IN EXISTENCE, evolution can’t stop them
Why is no big predator coming and gnawing on them?
Their biggest defense is that they’re massive and have super tough skin, but they do get hunted by sharks or sea lions sometimes and they just sort of float there like ‘oh bother’ as it happens
Even funnier, because they eat nothing but jellyfish they’re really low in nutritional value anyway, so they basically survive by being not worth eating because they’re like a big floating rice cracker wrapped in leather.
Perfect example of “survival of the fittest” NOT meaning being some hyper aggressive, muscular manly asshole. This creature fell upon the complete opposite combination of traits and just rolled with it and evolution was like “well, it’s working, somehow".
So someone in a group asked me to tell them why I hate the ocean sunfish so much, and apparently it was ~too mean~ and was deleted. To perpetuate the truth and stand up for ethical journalism, I’m posting it here. [Rated NC-17 for language.]
Disclaimer, I care about marine life more than I care about anything else, for real. Except this big dumb idiot. And it’s not like an ~ironic~ thing, I mean it IS hilarious to me and they ARE THE BIGGEST JOKE PLAYED ON EARTH but I seriously fucking hate them.
THE MOLA MOLA FISH (OR OCEAN SUNFISH)
They are the world’s largest boney fish, weighing up to 5,000 pounds. And since they have very little girth, that just makes them these absolutely giant fucking dinner plates that God must have accidentally dropped while washing dishes one day and shrugged his shoulders at because no one could have imagined this would happen. AND WITH NO PURPOSE. EVERY POUND OF THAT IS A WASTED POUND AND EVERY FOOT OF IT (10 FT BY 14 FT) IS WASTED SPACE.
They are so completely useless that scientists even debate about how they move. They have little control other than some minor wiggling. Some say they must just push water out of their mouths for direction (?????). They COULD use their back fin EXCEPT GUESS WHAT IT DOESNT FUCKING GROW. It just continually folds in on itself, so the freaking cells are being made, this piece of floating garbage just doesn’t put them where they need to fucking go.
So they don’t have swim bladders. You know, the one thing that every fish has to make sure it doesn’t just sink to the bottom of the ocean when they stop moving and can stay the right side up. This creature. That can barely move to begin with. Can never stop its continuous tour of idiocy across the ocean or it’ll fucking sink. EXCEPT. EXCEPT. When they get stuck on top of the water! Which happens frequently! Because without the whole swim bladder thing, if the ocean pushes over THE THINNEST BUT LARGEST MOST TOPPLE-ABLE FISH ON THE PLANET, shit outta luck! There is no creature on this earth that needs a swim bladder more than this spit in the face of nature, AND YET. Some scientists have speculated that when they do that, they are absorbing energy from the sun because no one fucking knows how they manage to get any real energy to begin with. So they need the sun I guess. But good news, when they end up stuck like that, it gives birds a chance to land on their goddamn island of a body and eat the bugs and parasites out of its skin because it’s basically a slowly migrating cesspool. Pros and cons.
“If they are so huge, they must at least be decent predators.” No. No. The most dangerous thing about them is, as you may have guessed, their stupidity. They have caused the death of one person before. Because it jumped onto a boat. On a human. And in 2005 it decided to relive its mighty glory days and do it again, this time landing on a four-year-old boy. Luckily Byron sustained no injuries. Way to go, fish. Great job.
They mostly only eat jellyfish because of course they do, they could only eat something that has no brain and a possibility of drifting into their mouths I guess. Everything they do eat has almost zero nutritional value and because it’s so stupidly fucking big, it has to eat a ton of the almost no nutritional value stuff to stay alive. Dumb. See that ridiculous open mouth? (This is actually why this is my favorite picture of one, and I have had it saved to my phone for three years) “Oh no! What could have happened! How could this be!” Do not let that expression fool you, they just don’t have the goddamn ability to close their mouths because their teeth are fused together, and ya know what, it is good it floats around with such a clueless expression on its face, because it is in fact clueless as all fuck.
They do SOMETIMES get eaten though. BUT HARDLY. No animal truly uses them as a food source, but instead (which has lead us to said photo) will usually just maim the fuck out of them for kicks. Seals have been seen playing with their fins like frisbees. Probably the most useful thing to ever come from them.
“Wow, you raise some good points here, this fish truly is proof that God has abandoned us.” Yes, thank you. “But if they’re so bad at literally everything, why haven’t they gone extinct.” Great question.
BECAUSE THIS THING IS SO WORTHLESS IT DOESNT REALIZE IT SHOULD NOT EXIST. IT IS SO UNAWARE OF LITERALLY FUCKING EVERYTHING THAT IT DOESNT REALIZE THAT IT’S DOING MAYBE THE WORST FUCKING JOB OF BEING A FISH, OR DEBATABLY THE WORST JOB OF BEING A CLUSTER OF CELLS THAN ANY OTHER CLUSTER OF CELLS. SO WHAT DOES IT DO? IT LAYS THE MOST EGGS OUT OF EVERYTHING. Besides some bugs, there are some ants and stuff that’ll lay more. IT WILL LAY 300 MILLION EGGS AT ONE TIME. 300,000,000. IT SURVIVES BECAUSE IT WOULD BE STATISTICALLY IMPROBABLE, DARE I SAY IMPOSSIBLE, THAT THERE WOULDNT BE AT LEAST ONE OF THOSE 300,000,000 (that is EACH time they lay eggs) LEFT SURVIVING AT THE END OF THE DAY.
And this concludes why I hate the fuck out of this complete failure of evolution, the Ocean Sunfish. If I ever see one, I will throw rocks at it.
LIVE OCEAN SUNFISH UPDATE: FISH DISCOVERED TO BE MORE DUMB THAN PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT
So
the top and bottom fins kind of wiggle all of the time and they are not
sure exactly why but think it’s stabilization. BUT they can jump by
turning on their side and using them as
wing type things. It is suspected they do this as a way of “scratching”
their parasite ridden bodies. So learning that I was like “huh okay they
have a skill.”
Then I discovered this: Since they
are so terrible at swimming, the current will carry them into deep cold
water. Then they die. So I have learned that they are so stupid they
just get slowly consumed by a freezing death. All while they have the
full ability for that to not happen. Because they’re fucking worthless
floating garbage
i read this out loud to my marine bio nerd friend and she agrees
my friend is a marine biologist and i remember her describing sunfish as “an evolutionary cul-de-sac”
We totally get it—you’re so inspired by movies like Finding Dory or a visit to an aquarium that now you want your own Dory or Nemo.
Keeping a fish can help you learn about caring for live animals and gain respect for aquatic life, but there’s a lot more to it than just fish + water + plants + food = aquarium.
Because we love fishes just like you do, here are some important things to think about first:
Fishes are live animals, and caring for an animal’s life and habitat is a serious responsibility and time commitment. Hey, we need a college degree to work at the Aquarium with saltwater fishes, invertebrates and complicated aquarium life support systems!
Do your homework! Fishes can live for several years, and will need care all during that time. Do your homework first. Take time to learn the needs of a particular species of fish or fishes, and what’s involved in maintaining a living aquatic ecosystem at home.
Bigger is not always better. Different species of fishes need different sizes of tanks. Food, water quality, size of tank, water volume and lighting are all requirements you need to consider when choosing a fish. Time for more homework!
Start simple. Saltwater fishes and aquariums can sometimes be more complicated than freshwater, but both require daily care and maintenance. A blue tang like Dory can be very difficult to keep, but there are other marine fishes that are easier. Many freshwater fishes, like some goldfish species, can be great for the beginner. Yep, more homework!
Buddy up! Ask a parent, sibling or friend to help you with your project. (Caring for animals is a good way to spend time with people, too.) Never capture a fish in the wild and bring it home. Instead, work with a reputable aquarium dealer who can help you set up a relatively easy-to-maintain system, and recommend a fish that best suits your interest—and skills.
Take the time to learn the ropes. See if this is something you want to stick with before you advance to more complex systems and fishes. If you get stuck, be kind and find a good home for your fishy pet. Don’t “release” it into a river or the ocean! It probably won’t survive, and if it does, can spread parasites and diseases to native fishes.
Remember, visiting your local aquarium is a great way to see and learn more about your favorite furry, feathered and finned friends!
(Note: Thank you for all of the thoughtful feedback on the subject of home aquariums. This is a complex topic so we wanted to share more of our thoughts.)
PiraticOctopus 