So someone in a group asked me to tell them why I hate the ocean sunfish so much, and apparently it was ~too mean~ and was deleted. To perpetuate the truth and stand up for ethical journalism, I’m posting it here. [Rated NC-17 for language.]
Disclaimer, I care about marine life more than I care about anything else, for real. Except this big dumb idiot. And it’s not like an ~ironic~ thing, I mean it IS hilarious to me and they ARE THE BIGGEST JOKE PLAYED ON EARTH but I seriously fucking hate them.
THE MOLA MOLA FISH (OR OCEAN SUNFISH)
They are the world’s largest boney fish, weighing up to 5,000 pounds. And since they have very little girth, that just makes them these absolutely giant fucking dinner plates that God must have accidentally dropped while washing dishes one day and shrugged his shoulders at because no one could have imagined this would happen. AND WITH NO PURPOSE. EVERY POUND OF THAT IS A WASTED POUND AND EVERY FOOT OF IT (10 FT BY 14 FT) IS WASTED SPACE.
They are so completely useless that scientists even debate about how they move. They have little control other than some minor wiggling. Some say they must just push water out of their mouths for direction (?????). They COULD use their back fin EXCEPT GUESS WHAT IT DOESNT FUCKING GROW. It just continually folds in on itself, so the freaking cells are being made, this piece of floating garbage just doesn’t put them where they need to fucking go.
So they don’t have swim bladders. You know, the one thing that every fish has to make sure it doesn’t just sink to the bottom of the ocean when they stop moving and can stay the right side up. This creature. That can barely move to begin with. Can never stop its continuous tour of idiocy across the ocean or it’ll fucking sink. EXCEPT. EXCEPT. When they get stuck on top of the water! Which happens frequently! Because without the whole swim bladder thing, if the ocean pushes over THE THINNEST BUT LARGEST MOST TOPPLE-ABLE FISH ON THE PLANET, shit outta luck! There is no creature on this earth that needs a swim bladder more than this spit in the face of nature, AND YET. Some scientists have speculated that when they do that, they are absorbing energy from the sun because no one fucking knows how they manage to get any real energy to begin with. So they need the sun I guess. But good news, when they end up stuck like that, it gives birds a chance to land on their goddamn island of a body and eat the bugs and parasites out of its skin because it’s basically a slowly migrating cesspool. Pros and cons.
“If they are so huge, they must at least be decent predators.” No. No. The most dangerous thing about them is, as you may have guessed, their stupidity. They have caused the death of one person before. Because it jumped onto a boat. On a human. And in 2005 it decided to relive its mighty glory days and do it again, this time landing on a four-year-old boy. Luckily Byron sustained no injuries. Way to go, fish. Great job.
They mostly only eat jellyfish because of course they do, they could only eat something that has no brain and a possibility of drifting into their mouths I guess. Everything they do eat has almost zero nutritional value and because it’s so stupidly fucking big, it has to eat a ton of the almost no nutritional value stuff to stay alive. Dumb. See that ridiculous open mouth? (This is actually why this is my favorite picture of one, and I have had it saved to my phone for three years) “Oh no! What could have happened! How could this be!” Do not let that expression fool you, they just don’t have the goddamn ability to close their mouths because their teeth are fused together, and ya know what, it is good it floats around with such a clueless expression on its face, because it is in fact clueless as all fuck.
They do SOMETIMES get eaten though. BUT HARDLY. No animal truly uses them as a food source, but instead (which has lead us to said photo) will usually just maim the fuck out of them for kicks. Seals have been seen playing with their fins like frisbees. Probably the most useful thing to ever come from them.
“Wow, you raise some good points here, this fish truly is proof that God has abandoned us.” Yes, thank you. “But if they’re so bad at literally everything, why haven’t they gone extinct.” Great question.
BECAUSE THIS THING IS SO WORTHLESS IT DOESNT REALIZE IT SHOULD NOT EXIST. IT IS SO UNAWARE OF LITERALLY FUCKING EVERYTHING THAT IT DOESNT REALIZE THAT IT’S DOING MAYBE THE WORST FUCKING JOB OF BEING A FISH, OR DEBATABLY THE WORST JOB OF BEING A CLUSTER OF CELLS THAN ANY OTHER CLUSTER OF CELLS. SO WHAT DOES IT DO? IT LAYS THE MOST EGGS OUT OF EVERYTHING. Besides some bugs, there are some ants and stuff that’ll lay more. IT WILL LAY 300 MILLION EGGS AT ONE TIME. 300,000,000. IT SURVIVES BECAUSE IT WOULD BE STATISTICALLY IMPROBABLE, DARE I SAY IMPOSSIBLE, THAT THERE WOULDNT BE AT LEAST ONE OF THOSE 300,000,000 (that is EACH time they lay eggs) LEFT SURVIVING AT THE END OF THE DAY.
And this concludes why I hate the fuck out of this complete failure of evolution, the Ocean Sunfish. If I ever see one, I will throw rocks at it.
LIVE OCEAN SUNFISH UPDATE: FISH DISCOVERED TO BE MORE DUMB THAN PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT
So
the top and bottom fins kind of wiggle all of the time and they are not
sure exactly why but think it’s stabilization. BUT they can jump by
turning on their side and using them as
wing type things. It is suspected they do this as a way of “scratching”
their parasite ridden bodies. So learning that I was like “huh okay they
have a skill.”
Then I discovered this: Since they
are so terrible at swimming, the current will carry them into deep cold
water. Then they die. So I have learned that they are so stupid they
just get slowly consumed by a freezing death. All while they have the
full ability for that to not happen. Because they’re fucking worthless
floating garbage
i read this out loud to my marine bio nerd friend and she agrees
my friend is a marine biologist and i remember her describing sunfish as “an evolutionary cul-de-sac”
Hey guys! It’s the holiday season and I am seeing it pop up
in my various social media feeds that folks are asking for / receiving these
neat sealed ecosystems for shrimp.
I remember seeing these at the mall in a big city, in the 80’s,
before household internet was a thing, and being smitten! How AMAZING, these
glass containers, with a perfectly balanced ecosystem of shrimp and algae
inside! The only reason I never got one was the cost. We were not very well
off. So I would stare at them when we’d go to the city, once a year or so. So
cool!
They do seem very neat. There is some science there: the species of shrimp used
are Opae Ula (Halocaridina
rubra), a very unique and amazing species endemic to the Hawaiian
islands (I find it curious that the company that makes these does not specify
what species they use; are they worried people will find out more about them
and stop buying the product? I digress…). This brackish water species is
incredible, as it can tolerate truly abysmal conditions, especially if it is
slowly acclimated to them. Notice I said “tolerate” and not “thrive”. The
sealed tanks are “perfectly balanced” to grow algae and microscopic life, which
feeds the shrimp. The shrimp’s waste then feeds the algae and bacterial growth.
It really does sound legitimate, and the sealed tanks may well start out that
way (I’d have to bust one open and do some water testing to really know).
However, if we delve into the science a bit, and learn some chemistry, we
realize that this slowly becomes their death trap. Anyone that has cycled an
aquarium might know of the nitrogen cycle, and that in a sealed environment
with living organisms, things do not stay “in balance” indefinitely. Even with
bacteria and algae converting ammonia and nitrites, over time these accumulate
regardless in these sealed environments with no gas exchange. The Opae Ula are
extremely resilient; moreso than any other shrimp species commonly kept in
captivity, and so they do survive this for a while. But over a year or three,
they gradually starve and the toxins build up, and they perish. They don’t breed. The idea of a “zero
care” pet is attractive, but ultimately a bit misleading.
This is a shame. Though 2-3 years sounds
like a long time for a shrimp to live, this species has been known to live for anywhere
from 12-20 years (one anecdotal experience from a keeper was that a shrimp
purchased in a sealed sphere was “broken free” and lived an additional 16 years
after).
It’s especially a
shame since the sealed spheres are an expensive gimmick; one can easily set up
a small tank at home where the shrimps will not only live, but thrive and
breed, in a setup that costs less than
one of the small sealed units (and honestly they can look way cooler when you do it yourself). I have long loved shrimp and keep a few
freshwater species. I researched Opae Ula after a friend visited them in their
native habitats in Hawaii, and put together a setup for far less than one of
those sealed units. My shrimp are very active, healthy, and breeding like whoa. After
initial setup, their care requires less attention than a houseplant. I feed
them a tiny amount once to twice a
month, and top off their water when necessary with distilled water. They do not
require filtered water (actually the water movement can be harmful especially
in smaller tanks), and your room temperatures should be between 55-85°F. You
can easily keep them with no electricity, unlike other tanks. My houseplants take
more time and are more fussy than that!
I know some of you are thinking, “lawd, this person is so
worried about some dang water bugs! I eat shrimp for lunch with cocktail sauce!
How stupid! Who cares!” That’s fair. What you care about is up to you! But I
know many friends and acquaintances prefer not to buy into gimmicky and
potentially cruel products when much happier alternatives exist. I just wanted
to put this info out there because the sealed spheres DO seem REALLY COOL, and
exciting, especially to my fellow nerdy people. I just wanted to let folks know that it’s possible to be smitten
with these tiny amazing shrimp AND keep them in conditions that they will
thrive in!
If you are interested in learning more, please do some research into their
needs, and source responsibly! Mine are breeding so well that I will probably
need to find new homes for some in the spring when the temperatures increase.
It’s very possible to find captive bred shrimps, at least here in the USA.
According to researcher, Scott R. Santos, of the Department of Biological
Sciences and Cell & Molecular Biosciences Peak Program, at Auburn
University in Alabama, “Commercial harvesting, coupled with habitat destruction
as well as strong regional endemism, could lead to the depletion and/or
extinction of unique Halocaridina populations or genetic groups.” (source)
MORE INFO (I’m not affiliated
with any of these people just FYI):
So there you have it! Sealed shrimp tanks: you can do better, with only a tiny
bit more effort! Buy an Ecosphere… or not… the choice is yours. At least now
you know more about it!
Of course it is, it’s a Chimaera! Also known as a Ghost Shark or Rat Fish.
This particular one also has a pointy nose and it’s called trolli. What’s more Halloween than a troll demanding money before you can cross a bridge, or insulting you on the internet, or those famous trolli problems.
The answer might be an artist called Ray Troll who painted loads and loads of Chimaeras and got a pointy-nosed Chimaera named after him!
The Frilled shark (Chlamydoselachus anguineus) is one of two extant species of shark in the family Chlamydoselachidae, with a wide but patchy distribution in the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans. Behind its grin is a mouth like nothing researches have ever seen: Row after row of razor sharp, hooked teeth; twenty-five rows; over three-hundred teeth. It’s possible that some of the myths and legends of sea serpents came from the Frilled shark.
Since its summertime and people are gonna be hitting the beach to swim and/or surf, i decided to make this informative shark post.
In the media sharks are portrayed as mean bloodthirsty and vicious creatures. Such as in movies like “The Shallows” and “Jaws”. But are sharks really that vicious? The answer is no. No they are not. Sharks are really nice and sweet creatures. I am a surfer and have been bitten a couple of times by sharks but i still know the truth… sharks aren’t evil creatures.
You may be thinking “but you’ve been bitten by one! How can they not be evil!?” Well the answer to that my bro
is simple, its all a misunderstanding. You see, sharks dont have great eyesight. They are blind as fuck. So they rely on other senses to find food. They see the silhouette of us surfers on our boards and they see it from a below angle and they think we kind look like seals, their favourite meal (as seen in the pics above). So they take just a nibble to see what the fuck we are. Once they realize we aint a seal, they go away. Why? Sharks HATE the taste of human meat. We disgusting af to them. Thats why the majority of shark attacks are just sharks bitting once and then leaving. They just wanted to know what the fuck we are bro. Its a case of mistaken identity. A misunderstanding. Have there been shark attacks where the shark bites more than once? Yeah. But thats rare and it only happens if the shark is either
(1) feeling threatened or provoked.
Or
(2) very hungry. Like, i mean STARVING.
Sharks just wanna eat but they dont wanna eat us. Its just a simple misunderstanding. As you can see in the photos above, people can swim with sharks and nothing happens. Its totally fine my dudes. So there you have it, sharks are homies, not hostile.
MORE INFO:
The likelihood of being attacked by a shark is thought to be 1 in 11.5 million, and only 4 or 5 people in the entire world die each year from shark attacks.[1]. If you’re still nervous about meeting one of these ocean predators, check out these guidelines to help you further minimize the chances of an encounter- http://m.wikihow.com/Avoid-Sharks-While-Surfing
PLEASE REBLOG THANKS MATE
If you’re scared of sharks don’t go in the water, but don’t actively hate sharks. Even Peter Benchley (the creator of jaws) hated what his story did, and actively tried to fix what damage had been done due to the paranoia caused by his book/the movie. He defended sharks until he died, and hated the shark hunting craze and fear he caused.
Sharks are good animals, don’t hate them just because you don’t understand them
PiraticOctopus 